Tankstelle gestern und heute – Teil 15: Tankstellenagent 009,9 – Mit der Lizenz zum Benzinverkauf

Werbung

 

Gestatten Sie, mein Name ist Blond, Hans Blond, Tankstellenagent 009,9 – mit der Lizenz zum Benzinverkauf. Als kundenorientierter Service-Mann ist mein Wahlspruch „Sag niemals nie“.  Ein Tankstellenagent hat einen Agenturvertrag mit einer Mineralölfirma“, d. h. er verkauft den Sprit in deren „Namen und für deren Rechnung“. Was das für mich bedeutet? Ich bin zwar selbstständiger Handelsvertreter, aber die „Firma“ schreibt mir vor, dass ich nur deren Sprit und Öl verkaufen darf. Bei den Sprit- und Ölpreisen bin ich ebenfalls weisungsgebunden, da werde ich nicht gefragt. So ein Tankstellenagentenleben hat aber auch Vorteile, denn ich muß die Suppe nicht vorfinanzieren, die an meiner Tankstelle in den großen Behältern unter der Fahrbahn lagert. Nur das was ich verkauft habe und wofür der Kunde sein Geld bei mir auf den Tisch gelegt hat, wird mir von der „Firma“ berechnet. Als Tankstellenagent,  

 

 

 

oder wie ich mich ebenfalls bezeichne, als Tankstellenpächter lasse ich lieber die Anderen arbeiten und ich brauche  mir keine Gedanken über die Herstellung, Beschaffung und Qualität der Agenten- bzw. Agenturware machen, oder mich um die Werbung für die Produkte kümmern, denn das erledigt alles meine „Firma“ für mich. Ab und zu bekomme ich einen Anruf von Miss Ponypfennig, die in der „Firma“ auch für meine Angelegenheiten arbeitet.

 

Wo Rechte sind, da braucht man die Pflichten nicht lange zu suchen, denn vor Antritt meiner Agententätigkeit musste ich bei denen in der Firma  Sicherheiten für die Agenturware  hinterlegen. Denn für den Fall, dass ich als Agent untertauche oder die Fronten wechsle und das Agenturgeld mitgehen lasse oder im „Casino Royale“ alles verprasse, reicht denen mein Agentenehrenwort nicht. Deshalb  musste ich eine Grundschuld auf das Häuschen meiner Großmutter zu Gunsten der „Firma“  eintragen lassen, denn natürlich hatte ich nicht genug Knete als Sicherheit unterm Kopfkissen. Als Agent können Sie sich aus dem Kopf schlagen, auf eigene Faust einen Deal mit nem anderen Agentenring zu starten. Die „Firma“ achtet peinlich darauf, dass die eigenen Agenten schön bei der Stange bleiben, was heißen soll, woanders kaufen is nich! Ansonsten bin ich als Agent für die Sicherheit der Tankstelle verantwortlich und sorge dafür, dass die Tankstelle nicht in einem riesigen „Feuerball“ endet.

 

Als Tankstellenagent hat man so seine Ausgaben, die Unterhaltskosten für den Hans Blond Sportwagen, die Präsente für die vielen Verehrerrinnen und für den Martini – geschüttelt und nicht gerührt, das kostet sag´ ich Ihnen. Nein im Ernst, die Kosten einer Tankstelle sind immens, alleine was die Kartelle von den Gas-, Wasser- und Stromversorgern bei mir abkassieren übersteigt das Einkommen eines Agenten sehr schnell. Meine Leute, die für mich arbeiten, sind am Monatsende auch nicht mit einem warmen Händedruck zufrieden, denn auch bei denen muß der Schornstein rauchen, wenn Mutti das „Diamantenfieber“ hat. Übrigens, meine allerbeste Ehefrau, ich nenne Sie immer zärtlich „Octopussy“, greift auch ständig ungeniert in meine Kasse. Bei meinen Leuten würde ich das als Diebstahl bezeichnen, meine Frau nennt das „Privatentnahme“. Also hab ich mir gedacht: “Hans, „diese Welt ist nicht genug“, es müssen andere Einnahmen her. Da ich aber nicht Spion der Queen bin, sondern nur Hans Blond, Tankstellenagent 009,9 habe ich  weitere Geldquellen aufgerissen, oder wie es der Geschäftsmann ausdrückt, weitere Geschäftsfelder belegt.

 

„N“ von der „Firma“ hat mir dabei mal wieder mit der neusten technischen Geheimwaffe geholfen. Er ließ bei mir eine Waschstrasse bauen, mit der ich für alle Eventualitäten des Tankstellenagentenlebens gerüstet bin. Die Anlage steht den ganzen Tag nicht still, der Betrieb brummt. Allerdings ist der Unterhalt  einer solchen Anlage nicht gerade das was man als Schnäppchen bezeichnen darf. Jeden Monat kommen die Jungs und wollen für die Anlage ordentlich Pacht abgreifen. Kassiert „an einem anderen Tag“, hab ich denen gesagt, aber es nutzt nichts, denn Dienst ist Dienst und Schnaps ist Schnaps. Gut dass die gar nicht wissen, dass ich jeden Monat ein hübsches Sümmchen, von dem was mir die Waschstraße abwirft zur Seite legen kann, ansonsten bekäme ich keine„Liebesgrüße aus Moskau“ sondern von der „Firma“. Irgendwann einmal  hau ich als Agent in den Sack („denn man lebt nur zweimal“) und dann leg ich mich auf Mallorca für den Rest meines Lebens in die Sonne. Denn wie sagt man? Wenn´s am schönsten ist soll man aufhören. Oder?

 

Eines Tages bekam ich Besuch von  Herrn „Goldfinger“ von der „Firma“. „Meine Tankstelle brauche einen größeren Shop“, meinte dieser. „Der Shop ist nicht genug“, ein  Bistro müsse her. Ich war zwar anfangs noch sehr skeptisch, aber Herr Goldfinger ließ nicht locker. Aus Erfahrung wusste ich, dass es wenig Zweck hatte, mit der Firma „um die Weltherrschaft“ zu kämpfen, so gab ich nach. Wenige Wochen später präsentierte mir „N“ eine hochgerüstete Bistroausstattung, mit der ich spielend, jedem anderen Gegner aus der Branche  „den Hauch des Todes“ spüren lassen konnte.

 

Nächste Woche bin ich „in geheimer Mission “ unterwegs. „Dr. Noh“ hat mich zu einem Lehrgang in der „firmeneigenen“  Agentenakademie eingeladen. Ich soll nämlich bald ein nuclear gesteuertes elektronisches Tankstellenmanagement-System installiert bekommen. Damit wissen die Jungs in der „Firma“  bald besser Bescheid über das was ich als Agent so den ganzen Tag treibe. Sie sagen zwar, dass meine Daten über die Geldflüsse, die ich als Agent tätige, nur in meinem Computer an der Tankstelle bleiben und nicht zur „Firma“ gelangen. Aber Sie wissen ja „im Angesicht des Geldes“……

 

So das soll´s gewesen sein. Es grüßt Sie Hans Blond, der „Mann mit dem goldenen Zapfhahn“.

 

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